Several times over the last few years I have reflected on prayers; both answered and those seemingly unanswered. And it always amazes me when I have a perspective shift and I come to a realization on another one that I had thought was a No, turned out to be a Wait. You see, several years ago it was said to me that God answers prayers in one of three ways; Yes, No…..or Wait. And initially, I of course wanted to know why.
My friends, I wish I had that answer so that I could share it and prevent the hurt; but I have learned that though we grieve and mourn, though we go through the hard times when the answer is No, or Wait, it is also in these times that we grow the most. Times in which we are faced with the opportunity to bow out or to rise above the challenge. I can’t tell you what this is for you, and I can’t tell you what this is for your loved ones. All I can say is that I believe without a doubt that there is a deep purpose in it.
For Christmas this year, having just bought a home and started a business, only having one income while schooling our gnomes remotely; we decided that the majority of our Christmas gifts to the gnomes would be the remodeling of their rooms that they have been wishing for. In the process of working on our boy gnomes room I have been enlightened to prayers that have happened and are happening; prayers that I had many years ago that I mourned for, thinking they were lost dreams. Dreams I couldn’t fathom being a possibility any longer.
About 10-15 years ago, I had a dream of one day living in a house in a cul-de-sac, I had grown up seeing neighborly block parties in these and I thought how cool it would be to have such a tight knit group of neighbors, a community, to have get togethers and feel safe and watch one another’s backs. With the last ten years we have been through, I mourned for that and realized that it might not happen and that I needed to come to terms with that and let it go.
Around when I started having wee gnomes, I dreamt of one day owning our own house and being able to express ourselves freely with the decor and the style, that our gnomes would be able to choose a theme for their bedrooms that they wanted to embrace and that we could paint murals in their rooms for them and they could enjoy seeking solitude in their own space. Again, I mourned for it and realized that it might not happen, and that I would still be okay and I would still be thankful if it didn’t.
I’m going to share something that I don’t think many people are aware of. With both of our youngest gnomes, I had been going through a very dark, depressed time and I was suicidal and prayed regularly for God to take them from me, because I couldn’t handle it and because I was scared of what would happen if I had them. With Squizzle, I even went so far as to discuss adoption options with my best friend who had been trying to get pregnant for a long time. With WallyBingBong, I asked God to take him and save him from a lifestyle of trauma, abuse and the heavy challenges that come with it. His answer was No. Both times.
For which I am eternally grateful, because now, I cannot look at either of them without realizing how amazingly beautiful they are and how thankful I am for them. Being their mother, I have grown a lot into the woman I am meant to be by having the experiences I get from interacting with them and parenting them. It does not make it any easier, but I have wrestled with the guilt for a long time for praying what I initially prayed over both of them, and over time I am processing the forgiveness of self in those.
God says Wait, when He has something infinitely better than anything we can possibly think to ask or dream of. He said wait to me with the cul-de-sac and room murals; because He had better plans for me, for my family. He said No to me when it came to His children that He gave to me to raise, because He knows best.
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.
– Ephesians 3:20 NIV
I cannot control the outcomes, there are days I wish that I could. Why does Squizzle have to struggle so hard everyday and be treated like he’s just a class clown or not trying his hardest to do the right thing? Why does WallyBingBong have to face life with a father who has a history of abuse and deal with the emotional and mental turmoil from not knowing what to believe or what really matters in the grand scheme of things? Why do our gnomes have to live everyday knowing that the Justice system let them down and their abuser got away with everything? For none of these do I have the answers; but I trust One Hundred percent that God has great purpose behind the skills being learned and developed in these challenges. They will not go by without solid purpose.
Knowing there is some unknown purpose in your pain does not make it any easier, and if you are hurting and you are waiting for an answer, know that you are not alone. The light will come. You have great purpose.
