Originally published on my blog in November of 2017, this is a look back in my journey of faith and where things were then. I can say that not only are we in a much stronger place, but that I am also a bit jelly of where my Faith was then and that I know deeply that I need to get back fully to this depth. The years have been challenging for sure.

Closer to Hope:

This year, with everything happening with my family, my biggest goal is getting closer to Jesus. and while I know I didn’t have some bland, tepid version of closeness in mind where I just hear and follow easily; the matter with which Jesus is actually calling me closer, which is of course like a gentleman; is much more difficult than I pictured because He does so delicately and without force. I was raised as a strong minded, strong willed, independent young lady that could resolve my own issues….except I have always been unable to manage to, though ever uncertain why. It’s quite a learning process….

He gives me the option to be gentle in my choices as He would or to go my own way, which is stomping through the mud kinda sorta splashing along the path seeking Him when it has been obvious I needed to, but not as fully or without resistance as I absolutely should be. I am struggling with the loss of two of my children right now, not in death but to their father, whom I will not bring down but whom I will just say there are many differences in raising them and we are in an intense season of disagreement. In this season, where I miss them terribly and my soul aches; I am struggling deeply in my getting closer to God. I’d much rather go about things my way without thinking of the long term and without the soul wrenching pain along the way.

Here is the thing with that, Jesus knows I miss my children. God knows what excruciating pain I am in. I still stand by my decision to give them more time with their dad, which makes this even harder. Because on some levels I agree with him; even though it is rendering me in such deep pain. Overall, it is not his fault we reached this season and it is not by his choice alone that we are in it. I cannot speak for his faith, I can only speak for mine.

I have to admit while I am growing through all this I have had to humble myself and apologize for my outbursts of emotions and lack of Holy duct-tape. I will not compare myself to Jesus in the way of title or the like; but I do want to share that I think He is pruning me in all of this and I think He is using my life as a great parable to teach me about Himself and how He would have me respond.

I feel that instead of the great tenacity and zeal I think I am approaching this, I am acting more like Peter and Jesus is telling me to calm down. To be still and listen, for there is a larger lesson here. I think He is telling me I need to respond with loving kindness and even though there will be several disagreements along the way it does not mean it is hopeless. I feel my children are more tempted by the materials in this world and what is being provided over and above; that the enemy is using his insidious tool of busyness to make them feel far away and without hope.

Deep down, I know it is untrue. Much like me with all of the blessings in my life, I tend to choose this worldly lifestyle over Jesus sometimes, when I think; ridiculously, that “i got it”….but it is then that I am being taught His peace, His serenity, His inner joy and to keep fighting the good fight towards His kingdom. My children are not lost, I am still a large influence in their lives and it is up to me to rise to the calling God gave me in being their mother.

I am not the sole reason we are in this season, but neither can I control the words, actions, or behaviors of others. I don’t have to be angry or resentful that my children don’t have the lifestyle I would choose for them all the time, which is to be involved consistently in church and embracing Gods word in all areas of their lives; I need to be full of joy and gratitude that I get to speak God’s love into their lives whenever they are with me; even though the quantity is small. God is mightier <3