Throughout our young gnomes lives, we have had a plethora of visitation/custody schedules. This has a large effect on behavior and their ability to have stability, consistent structure and feeling loved and valued by both of their parents. This happens with any divorce of parents, but can be most especially damaging when there has been trauma (in our experience).
We have our lovely Sassafras every weekend, Thursday through Sunday afternoon and she is with her momma Sunday afternoon through to Thursday evening; with the exceptions of Holidays and occasional plans that alter the schedule a bit. They have had this schedule since Sassafras was quite little, so she has become adjusted to this schedule and had spent a vast majority of her young life as an only child. Until we came back into the picture, now she lives as an only child at her mommas and we have everyone home on the same weekends, so she is the oldest of five.
Our sweet Boobutt and Buddy are siblings through their daddy and I. When they were tiny, they were with me full time and their daddy every other weekend and we alternated major Holidays and birthdays. When the trauma happened five years ago,we amended it to 50/50, so Monday through Monday each, and we utilized the school as the middle ground so whomever had them picked them up from school. Unfortunately, the trauma increased, and as a way of protecting them we agreed to amend it to daddy having full time and they were with me every other weekend and alternating Holidays. Last year we had a long hiatus of visits due to the DCS involvement, but today we are still maintaining daddy having them full time while we have them every other weekend.
Squizzle has been with me full time since birth, until last year’s DCS involvement where he was abruptly removed for 7 months. He sees everyone come and go and until we were reunited with his daddy, he questioned why they got to go on “mini-vacations” every other weekend (His sweet viewpoint) while he stayed home.
WallyBingBong has varied between full time with me and 50/50 with his dad; with the exception of the abrupt 7 month removal last year as well. Currently, he is 50/50 again on what the Court calls a 5-2-2-5 plan. Which means that he is home Monday & Tuesdays and alternating weekends and he is with his dad Wednesday & Thursdays and alternating weekends. Holidays are alternated as well.
So, four days a week we have 2 kiddos (Monday through Wednesday evenings we have Squizzle & Wallybingbong, Thursday evening we have Squizzle and Sassafras). Alternating weekends we have just Squizzle and then all five of our beauties. Life as a blended family is never boring, but these schedules are a bit hectic as we have to collaborate with three other households to make events/vacations work well and have everyone together, in addition to having as much structure and consistency for all of our kids as possible.
There are many challenges this represents, for our children and their mental/emotional well beings as well as plans we create. Currently we have two of our five in sports, over the last season we had three of them in Sports. As they range from preschool to high-school, things can get a little tricky keeping them all entertained and engaged.
Originally, I viewed this as frustrating and overwhelming…until recently to be honest. There will always be things outside of our control, and knowing half of the way our kids are being raised is out of our hands can be overwhelming if we don’t find a way to let it go. Being married to a wonderful man who helps with everything, is incredibly supportive and wants our children to grow up wise and emotionally mature makes this more bearable, but I know not everyone has this luxury.
This past week, our family lost a dear friend that passed away due to a very quick, unexpected cancer. Though I know for sure I am not grieving as deeply as her husband and family are, I have sorrow because this woman was like a second mother to me growing up. When my brother went to boy scout campouts that girls were not allowed to go on, I got to go spend the weekend with her and relax and have fun. As I grew older, I got to have in depth conversations with her that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with my own mother. As a young adult, they let me move in with them and try to re-establish myself as an adult on my own when my family had moved out of state and I wanted to stay where I was. Over the years, we have checked in and shared pictures and birthday wishes, some laughter and many prayer requests with one another.
She and her husband were a part of my blended family. My brother and I were raised by a single mother, but we spent time with close family friends, uncles and our grandparents over the years; they were our village. It’s looking back on all of that this week that I realize how crucial it is not to let things like these weigh too heavily on us, these schedules and coming & going.
Our children are incredibly resilient, and they deserve to remain kids as long as they can. To play, to get messy, to learn and to experiment with what they want to do and who they want to become. When I first started sending my kids to their dads for their time, I would get uneasy and restless and worry whether they were okay. What would they do? What if they needed me?
Over time, I adjusted to the fact that they are with the other half of who they are, as long as they are with a safe person and they will be safe, it is okay to fully relax and let them grow and bond.
There will be rules or consequences we may disagree with, there may be financial differences in the houses of how they get to spend money or how it is spent on them, there may be nutritional differences and/or academic or sport differences. Overall, it can be an amazing journey for our littles if we let it. Their other parent is half of who they are, remember that when talking to your children’s other parent- or talking about them in your home to one another.
In our home, this presents quite uniquely as 2 of our kids have their dad (Poppa Gnome) in the house while the other 3 are out of the house. Our WallyBingBong’s father is the one whom we had DCS involvement with last year, and there has been trauma with our children and myself- so while the majority of us are not at a point in our healing journey where we are ready to share or hear kind things of this person, I also have to remind all of them that this person is also the other half of our WallyBingBong and he looks up to him. We need to handle that with care so that he does not take that onto himself or in how he views the rest of his siblings.
Overall, Blending a family is not for the faint of heart. There is a mixture of rules, consequences, nutrition styles, parenting styles, and behaviors, emotions and differences in communication. Our children are all very well rounded with all they have been through, but it continues to be quite a journey for all of them and for us as we walk alongside them. They are helpful and loving with one another, share well (majority of the time), communicate better as time goes on. All of these blessings I attribute to God’s goodness. He has moved through our home, our family and has blessed us so much with what we have and who we have.
Might I challenge you, to really reflect on what and who you have around you and find what you are grateful for this week? Don’t give up, the miracle is right around the corner. The second big challenge is to ask yourself, what do you do for self-care? Because when I realized that it was quiet and awkward when my kids weren’t home, I didn’t initially know what to do with my time, I essentially learned these are blessings of self-care breaks. Take a shower, take a nap, read a book, grab coffee with a friend, watch a movie that isn’t for little ears (or movie narrators like we have :), put on your headset and jam out or have a dance session, draw a picture or go for a scenic drive.Take some time for yourself to rest, reset and recenter. It really helps 🙂
