I am a grateful believer, on a recovery journey from trauma and I struggle with anger and the effects of multiple abuses. I grew up in Southern California as the younger of two children to our single mother. My older brother and I developed several unhealthy coping skills and then utilized them not only on one another, but on those around us. Being a child of a single parent in the 80’s- early 90’s was intense. When finances were no longer coming in, we had to move and relocate to follow where the work was.

  This brought several moves a year; including school transfers. At a very young age, I learned the overrated art of being a codependent chameleon; to blend into invisibility or emotionally stonewall for my protection. Often I was viewed as cold/indifferent to my peers. Watching my sole role model, I learned the default modes of doing for others to the detriment of myself paired with people pleasing and manipulating to avoid being hurt because I couldn’t decide if I wanted to have friends or isolate. Either way, I wanted to control the outcome.

When I turned 6, the trajectory of my life was altered, as that was the first incident of sexual abuse by a trusted male authority figure. Because of the balance beam lifestyle of trying to keep additional stress off my mother, knowing how hard life was without adding more;and her establishing that we had to be independent and handle it ourselves because everyone else always left- I concluded that I’d bury it down and prevent her the hurt.

That was the moment my unhealthy addiction to self-reliance (read extreme independance) began. That same year, abandonment crept it’s dirty face in as I walked home from school to find our trailer space empty; the feelings I had of being left behind and the fears I had of being unwanted were brushed off with “you should have known I’d be back” because it was mentioned before. I tried to look upon this move with hope and optimism, a fresh new start; but in reality the uncertainty and the emotional upheavals were just getting started.

What followed were year after year of moves, school relocations, gaining and losing friends and loss and grief over family members passing away, amongst the hidden and continual sexual abuse by a trusted family member, which continued until I was 12 and became unwanted by him also. We watched men come & go from our mothers life; none of them treating her with value, love or respect. We watched abuse of several kinds in front of us. Verbal attacks, physical violence, property damage in the name of intimidation-and when we tried to confront her about any of it, she would just cry quietly and tell us we didn’t understand and that she didn’t want to be alone.

The summer I turned 14, my mom got remarried & my stepfather introduced me to mental and emotional abuse. Resentment and bitterness grew as I was made to watch his children on weekends they visited so he could go drink in the bars and on the weekends they weren’t there- I was the one to clean him up and was emotionally coerced into keeping that from my mother.

When I didn’t do something exactly as he did or had instructed; I was made to do it over and over again while being berated & demeaned until he got tired of “wasting his time” and grounded me to my room. I spent a lot of time over my teen years isolated to my room, grounded for some infraction as I could never perform to his standards. I wound up preferring isolation from people so I could avoid the drama-not realizing my internal negativity- This was all kept from my mother and after repeatedly having it done, I chose to default to numbing completely from as much as possible.

Several times over the years, I was invited to church with friends and so I knew of God, but started out in denial that He existed and then as His existence was persistently placed in front of me, I was angry at Him and resentful at what I had experienced and tried to blame Him for all of it. Growing up as we did, I developed survival skills from the negative experiences and never thought to alter them, because in my denial, they had been working for me. I struggled through my tween and teen years rebelling against authority figures, running away from home not knowing how to articulate my need for peace and love. Passive aggressive and sometimes hostile anger from stuffing my bitterness and resentment, self-reliance and pride in thinking I was the only one who wouldn’t let myself down yet alternately self-harming in an attempt to cry out for help. Manipulation of others emotionally and the effects of abandonment and multiple abuses; yet somehow, I chose to mask my pain and trauma with humor and false confidence.

Those defaults put me in the lonely position of seeking love and approval in all the wrong places. I spent the majority of my 20’s struggling with alcohol, promiscuity and relocating-much like a gypsy. I kept my distance from God and others and the self-reliance continued to wreak havoc in my life, left and right. I had developed that escape hatch routine, where when things got hard or seemed impossible, I would just pick up and move again. I became a runner.

Yet, no matter where I went, there I was. I don’t learn life lessons the easy way, so fortunately I have had several opportunities to persevere past a lot of my own created issues in addition to the ones I have experienced at the hands of others.I have had several low points in my life and had become rather adjusted to that viewpoint. The one that initially brought me to my knees in front of God, was my first divorce. In my continued pride and rebellion, I was a nag and complained; irritated when he couldn’t read my mind-and ultimately; I blamed my lack of happiness on him and placed all accountability of myself onto him. In the end, he left the week after our second child was born. 5 weeks later, at the hospital with our very ill son, he avoided coming because I was there, eventually stopping by for my house keys. After being evicted for non-payment of rent, he financially couldn’t help us because he had cashed out his 401K to help a friend.

Because we were staying with my family, whom he didn’t care for, he chose not to come visit us. I lashed out in this season of hurt and spiraled into despair and depression. A few months after we separated, my kids and I moved to a house with my mother, and I wound up meeting this friend of his and my resentment and anger hit an all time high.. A month later, our divorce was final, and I thought-what a great idea it would be to go back to school!! About 6 months into my program, I lost my grandfather, great aunt and step father.

I knew there had to be more to life that the heartache and destruction of that moment. I had grown to believe there was a God and admitted to Him on several occasions that I was not a fan, but intuitively knew to keep going to Him over the years with requests of trade. Pleading with Him, If He would just give me what I needed in those moments?! Until my divorce, forgotten were all those moments that I had never done what I said I would do. The promises I made if He would just fix what had happened, to take away the pain.I had tried to manipulate and coerce God into being a vending machine of restoration and He used that moment, He allowed that series of ugly events to be of great use; He allowed me to see that I was in His hands. For several years, I had slowly been opening my eyes and receiving more wisdom of who He is and how great His love is.

But like I said, I don’t learn life lessons the easy way; so I have struggled the last 13 years with getting closer to Him and growing in the capacity to understand and embrace His great love for me. I struggled so much that I continued thinking I knew better than He did. I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t fall now and that I could continue to be self-reliant and just ask Him when I thought I needed His help. I tried to figure things out on my own and read into things that were not meant for me; and so selfishly tried to grab onto it regardless of the difficulty level.

In the second year of my Graphics program, I allowed myself to fall for a fellow classmate. School hadn’t made things easier; so this would, right? I moved in with this young man and our children,and a few months later I became pregnant with my third child and decided we needed a vacation before we lost the chance “forever”. While visiting my High School bestie and her family across the country, I found out about the death of my father from a post on Facebook. To slide backwards in time for a moment, this made me come face to face with all of my unhealed hurts around my dad. See, I didn’t initially mention him because when I was born, he heard I was a girl and turned around and walked out. I didn’t meet him until I turned 18; he passed away when I was 24. When we returned from our trip, my guy had a night out with his brother and upon returning home, had an unexpected outburst. Needless to say, jumping to conclusions and utilizing my past experiences to take the lead in my mind, a week later; I took my kids and ran.

We found a townhome in a not so great area where we had an eventful lease. Part of which was being met at my car door repeatedly by our early morning caller- creepily prowling and knocking every morning from 1 to 4 am. I became really talented at exiting my driver side window nascar style when my car door broke- until the window stopped working and I had to enter/exit from the passenger side. I missed my college graduation ceremony because I was in labor- 5 weeks later I was back in the hospital with my third child because he had become very ill. While I was there, they prepared me to “let go” because he wouldn’t come off the oxygen machine on his own and they had diagnosed him as failure to thrive. By the grace of God, he survived. That opened my eyes to the level of selfishness I had been entrenched in that I didn’t want to give Him my son, had begged yet again to not let something happen; yet He had freely given me His Son.

We wound up moving mid-lease to avoid our early morning prowler. We stayed for a bit with a friend in Mesa before fear of the unknown won out and we moved in with my brother’s family in Glendale. But, I was still not far enough removed from my denial and negative coping strategies, that my sister-in law and I had an explosive disagreement. I asked my mom if we could stay with her back in Mesa. The weekend we moved back out there, I wound up coming home from work to find my grandmother deceased in her home.

My second marriage came in February of 2015; within our first year of marriage we experienced two more family deaths, another of my great aunts and one of his grandmothers. While grieving those losses we were also confronted with our hurts and habits and there was intense verbal abuse, property damage intimidation, angry control and manipulation- but as my denial tried to cover it, it was not just my husband towards me, it was a crazy cycle we both got sucked into. Repeatedly we lashed out at one another or apologized and pleaded for grace. 

The turning point was when my stepson sexually molested my children. I felt emotionally and mentally abandoned by my husband and returned to stonewalling and resentment. I became contemptuous and bitter and stuffed like I had never stuffed before. My husband and I separated after an abusive incident with him and my third child and my kids and I ,again, moved out to Glendale with my mother and brother and his family. Returning to my childhood family did a number on my mental well-being; and I began calling out to God and surrendering myself to Him. Whatever He wanted of me, I would do; even if it didn’t make sense to me.

I was tested on this; even utilizing my ex-husband to invite me to Celebrate Recovery ( A Christ based recovery program–for all of lifes’ hurts & habits, including various addictions) across town in Mesa/Gilbert where I had been trying to stay. .I would have to drive an hour and a half one way to get there and I was in no position to trust my ex-husband let alone be near him; yet upon asking me, he kept saying what I had been thinking-”The Holy Spirit keeps convicting me to ask you; no matter how many times I think you’re going to say no.”

My friends, let me tell you, when I walked into the doors of Celebrate Recovery, I was rivaling the Man in the Iron Mask with the immense stonewall I had. There was no way I wanted to remove it and lay it down.I walked in fully invested in finding the person who would tell me I was right and it was ALL my husbands fault. Except in God’s great mercy, what I found was openness and acceptance and God’s grace wrapped up in these beautiful people who became my forever family. What I found was God’s unconditional acceptance and continuous “me too’s” every time I walked in those doors. Phrases like; “Stay on your own side of the road”,“there’s healing in tears” and “focus on your own hurts/habits” became common in my verbiage.

At first, I didn’t want to share much, but I went out of obedience because I told God I would. I got a lot of flack from my friends and family for choosing that particular recovery program, across town-because they didn’t understand. He used those questions to His glory and has brought me such tremendous growth. Inviting God into my life, my world, my soul has been the most humbling season I have ever experienced. This is where learning to let go and trust really took fruition.

When my youngest ( who is now almost 5yrs old) was a little over 5 weeks old, he got incredibly ill and I thought for sure I was going to lose him. Back to back UTI;s, two gnarly bacterial infections- on which the CDC called me to require quarantine- so he and I were isolated from all outside contact- then he was diagnosed with a kidney disease; stage 3 hydronephrosis; which we were warned could lead to renal scarring and eventual failure.To trust God in that season and let Him have all the control was so incredibly challenging but has proven to be so, so good. 

As I mentioned before, I don’t learn things the easy way, so after we had been healing from the abuse of my ex husband, I naively chose to give him another opportunity to prove that he had changed and that we could have a healthier relationship; my friends, this is hardly ever true with abusers, and it proved false for mine. Unfortunately, I fully invested myself into a relationship with him again back in 2018/2019 and with that, another of my children was injured and outside sources got DCS & the Juvenile Court System involved and my children were removed,it was the most hellacious year my children and I have had. 

In the end, though the Justice system gave my abuser 50/50 custody of my youngest son and let him get away with everything, God placed beautiful angels in our path and walked alongside us the entire journey, and I was blessed to be innocent of all allegations and had my children returned to me. I had gone from having all of my children to a very trying season without them all and before God; before I acknowledged Him, before I saw Him, before I experienced His miracles and His sweet, unexpected providence- I would have said, If I lose my children I will not survive this. Now, I can truly tell you that I trust Him wholly with my children and their futures and I know that to be there fully for them and raise and guide them,God has to come first. I have Hope in Jesus-and I trust Him completely, because unlike I initially thought, He is the Only One who has never let me down. I have an AMAZING husband, and a forever family, coming alongside me- whom before recovery I never would have reached out to, let alone shared my deepest hurts…

But God….

But God is SO good.

He has led me out of denial, He has taught me how to accept that I made my own hot mess and that I need Him to constantly guide me.This year Andrew and I got married,I lost my job during the Pandemic, we bought a house for our blended family, and adopted a couple of really adorable pups. Our children are on their own unique healing journeys, we are moving forward, letting ourselves heal while we hold one another up, and it has been the most beautiful yet challenging experience we have ever had..I am confident that these tools they are learning now will be with them and guide them for the rest of their lives so they will avoid making the same mistakes I did. This coming April makes 5 years for me working on my recovery journey; my children are now beginning and He has taken all the shattered pieces of us and has begun making beautiful, renewed vases. He molds us and shapes us as He desires.

He said, “Can I not do with you as this potter does?” declares the Lord, “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand.”- Jeremiah 18:6

He is the One who fills all the crevices and voids I thought I could fill with other things, or a man. He does more than fill a God shaped hole in my heart; He fills in everywhere that I am weak. Through recovery, I have learned to reach out in His body, my community; and be transparent. In doing so, I am bringing my sins to the light and allowing Him to see that in the obedience of confessing I am admitting I need Him and desire Him more than my sin.

I have learned that He is trustworthy and that He is sovereign; so though I only have control over my words and actions- He loves me and has my best in mind and His sovereignty means He controls the outcome; and He is Victorious and will never forsake me. I have learned that my past experiences do NOT define me and looking at them is no longer stifling, and I no longer try to cover them up or bury them. I am able to see all of it as the opportunity to see where He has loved me and how He has walked alongside me through-out my life. How He has invested in me and how He has carried me when I myself could not walk, let alone stand upright.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”- Jeremiah 52:75

I have learned through recovery that it is not about me, but about Him. My life is His, and I am so grateful for the opportunity to serve Him and to share His great love through my life as an example. I know I am complete in Him and that though He loves me unconditionally as I am, He loves me too much to let me stay as I am now.

All twelve of the steps in Celebrate Recovery brought amazing growth (and if you are looking for a healthy journey to heal your soul-I highly recommend finding one and investing yourself in it) but the fourth step- as intimidating as it was- is my favorite. I had been “fixin’ to” get healed for so long that to actually dig in with Him and get it all out was the most freeing experience of this journey. To be met with unconditional love and acceptance from my sponsor set that physical representation of His unconditional love for me and I was able to embrace His forgiveness of me, and truly believe it and accept it.

Through surrendering my recovery over to God, my relationships have become authentic and ran through the screening of what is best for my relationship with Him. He has taught me how to create and maintain healthier boundaries and extend grace where it is necessary and let go of some toxic relationships that were taking me down with them when they did not desire change and growth but in their lack of understanding, try to pull me down their paths.

 He has taught me how to become transparent in my interactions with people and much of the time what I share either helps them hear something they need or they are able to respond with something that teaches me also and helps me grow more. 

He has humbled me to own up to my responsibilities and make amends where they are due, and it has helped me move forward and realize that I truly value them and desire their growth and progression as well as my own, and that strong, healthy relationships take a lot of work. I have been able to show others what God’s grace looks like and have had people tell me they value my wisdom and they desire to know how I get those; and I give glory to God because without Him, I wouldn’t have them either. I am learning to love me the way God loves me and am in turn able to love others more and see them more the way He sees them.

Through God, I am letting go of my dependency on the approval of others and loosening my control in letting people do for themselves what they can do, instead of doing it for them. I have been convicted that I am the one responsible for the forward change and progress I desire and that I have to be willing to do the work required and I have to surrender what is not mine to God so that He can show me His sovereignty as I show Him my humility and obedience to what He tells me. He has bent my will and molded me into more of what He desires that I be, and I love HIm for that. I have learned that what I wanted for myself had a lot of gaps in logic and deep misunderstanding, as someone who is analytical and questions how things work and why things are done; that conviction and humbling of my character has been my absolute biggest struggle but also my absolute largest blessing.

I have gone from looking at God like a grumpy, controlling dictator that I didn’t have any desire to be around let alone follow His ways, to seeing Him as the loving, patient, enduring Heavenly Father that He is. I have gone from having a one sided view of Him, to seeing Him as the trinity He is. He is God my Father, The Holy Spirit as my travel companion and guide and He is Jesus, my husband and lover of my soul. I long to spend time with Him everyday and learn as much as I have the capacity to understand. I pray for His serenity to accept what He has control of, I pray for the courage to handle the business He says is mine, and I pray constantly for His wisdom to know which is which so I can stay in His refuge and have forward progress with the Joy & peace I seek.

There are so many blessings and benefits that I have received in working through Celebrate Recovery and personal one-on-one counseling, parenting classes and studies. I know that my Identity is that I am a beloved, beautifully crafted child of His. I know that He is enough for me, and when He says I need community and accountability, he has trustworthy and valuable reasons for it. I know that when I feel that I have done wrong, I can stop; knowing that He is convicting me of the wrong and wants to guide me to do right and if I continue to tear myself down or should on myself, that is the enemy dunking me in guilt and shame, trying to shake my faith and make me lose ground.( The enemy will use those closest to you to criticize and cast judgment in their limited view and they won’t even realize they’re doing it; don’t focus on being angry at them, pray for them and focus on your healing)  I know that I have to be willing to see my faults and realize that I have been going about things the wrong way so that I can give them to Him and have the humility and courage to be shown the right way.

To those who are new to your healing journey; God sees you, He loves you and He says you are worth it. Taking the steps to remove your mask takes such tremendous courage and it shows Him that you crave His love the way He designed you to. It is okay not to be okay. You are worth it my friends.

I am blessed to have had the opportunity to share His truth with others. I am blessed to be and have accountability with several sisters in Christ that I gained through my recovery program, and I am learning to slow down and let God bring me before those who need Him out in the world. Whether that be a smile of encouragement, a kind word, holding a door, sharing a few moments of cherished conversation, extending His truth as encouragement, or just being a non-judgmental ear.

I am far from perfect my friends, and daily I express gratitude for the great love He has for me that He reminds me of; many times in not so subtle ways.

If this sounds like I am reading your mail; keep coming back 😉 and thanks for staying with me while I bared my soul. You are not alone.